I’m getting outta here!

Hello my love,

First off, thank you for being so amazing lately. I know it’s been hard on you, between watching me suffer, and taking up the extra slack when I can’t keep up. I appreciate everything so much and I admire how awesome you’ve been. You’ve been my medicine, my rock, and my greatest supporter even when you aren’t trying to. I love you so much.

Now down to business. I’m getting out of here! Chances are, I ran out that door as quick as you’d let me. I’ve made dinner early tonight so you wouldn’t have to worry about it. I already hid veggies in the mac and cheese. You should eat some too.

For bedtime, make sure you brush their teeth for them because they both suck at it. Sing “If all the raindrops are yellowdrops and gumdrops, oh what a rain that would be! Standing outside with my mouth open wide, ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!(Sticking out your tongue with each ah!)” They love it, and it makes them stick out their tongue so you can brush it. Now comes the fun part.

  • First, turn Paidens air conditioner on!
  •  Grab a book from one of their rooms, and read it to both of them. It calms them down enough to prevent getting hurt wrestling them into bed.
  • Let Angelina say night night to Paiden before you put him in his room, or else she’ll fuss. And nobody wants to hear that.
  • Try to get her to lay down, change her for bed, and when she asks for Momo, realize they both forgot their Momos and go get them.
  • Throw Momo into Paidens room and ask him to start cleaning up his toys. Turn his air back on.
  • Go back to Angel. Lay her down again, and when she asks for her baby, ger her baby. Tuck in her Momo, her baby, her other baby, and whatever else she asks for, right along with her.
  • Pray with her and say night night to Angel and all babies.
  • If she starts saying “JEW! JEW!” she’s not calling you a Jew. That just means you forgot their juice too.
  • Run back downstairs and fill up both their sippy cups with “juice.” Seriously, Angel won’t drink water. Put the stupid juice stuff in hers!
  • Hand one off to Paiden, ask him again to clean up his toys and hold in your frustration that he’s only managed to mess up his room more. Turn his ac back on. Again.
  • Go back to Angelina. Now she’s got her babies, her juice, and a clean diaper. She’s good. Pray with her again real quick, give hugs and kisses, tuck her back in, and say night night, bye bye, I love you, and a byeeeyyyyyoooouuuuu about a thousand times as you leave.
  • Shut the door, put up the gate and run away.

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  • Hear Paiden screaming “Daddy!” You felt like you should be done right? No, you forgot Paiden. Go in his room, sigh to find every single toy he’s ever owned strewn about the floor, and fight the urge to pull your hair out.
  • Don’t look at the smirk on his face either. Just trust me, don’t.
  • Pick up his mattress off the floor and put it back on his bed. Put the mattress protector and sheet back on his mattress and the pillow case back on his pillow.
  • Ask him again to help you clean up his toys.
  • Pray to God for patience as he suddenly has the urge to clean up everything in the most meticulous, slow way possible.
  • Sob in horror when you realize that Paiden is Gods way of teaching us patience.
  • Convince him to make a game of putting them away as fast as possible and throw the kid in bed. Don’t worry, he likes being thrown.
  • Give lots of tickles, pray with him, give him his Momo and tuck him into that huge blanket he won’t go to sleep without. Try to convince him it’s too hot for it, then realize it’s still hot in his room.
  • Turn the ac back on.
  • When he asks for juice, get him more juice, since he’s chugged the first one by now. Give him his new juice, which he will put on his bed and not drink until morning, tuck him in again and say goodnight.
  • Turn the ac back on. Run away!

Do your own thing now. Watch an episode without me(you jerk), clean up the kitchen, whatever. Just don’t go to bed too soon. Once you are ready to go to bed, peek in to make sure Paiden is actually asleep and not waiting to get up and turn the air off again. And change Angels diaper without waking her up. Good luck with that. Once the coast is clear, you are free to go to sleep! If you’re still tired by now anyway.

Congratulations! You’ve survived the first night. Now you just need to keep them alive until you can repeat this whole scenario of shenanigans again tonight. Try to work a bath in there somewhere. I have every confidence that you can handle everything and I hope you can approach this weekend with humor and an open mind. Now, when I get home tomorrow, I need to you to give me a kiss, tell me I’m pretty and how much you appreciate me. I don’t want to hear about anything too crazy that happened while I was away. Remember, I live that crazy every single day! And I’m still sane! Ok, fine maybe not completely sane. But the kids are pretty cool so I can’t be messing up too bad.

Love, Your very excited and finally relaxing,

Wife

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