I don’t have the heart or the patience for specifics. But here it is in a nutshell. Something Christians hear all the time is how God will never give us more than we can handle. God is supposed to be our strength, our healer, deliverer, father, etc. I’ve been in church my entire life and I graduated Bible school with honors. I know all that. In my head, I know all that. The thing is, I can’t feel it anymore.
If God won’t give us more than we can handle, why did He make me with a broken body? If we are created in His image, then why is my brain not normal? Why do I need to experience so much pain, praying and crying out to Him, to get no answer, no relief? Why would He give me a child that I can’t handle? Why even allow a child to go through what my son goes through? Why would He take a little baby away from me, why would He allow my body to betray me even more with this Pmdd crap I’d never even heard of, why would He allow my marriage to suffer, allow me to put my family through all of this?
The fact is, I’m ANGRY.
I have tried my best to do things right. I’ve gone to church every single Sunday I’m able to. I’ve served in the church nursery for years longer than I planned. I listen to Christian music, I don’t curse. I don’t get drunk or talk bad against my husband. I have tried to follow devotionals and have prayer time. I try to be kind and positive.
I have no intention of leaving the church, or changing my lifestyle and walking away from God. In fact, it’s the opposite. Besides the trivial resolutions to lose weight and save more money, my big thing this year is that I want to find the peace that I haven’t felt in so long. I started this blog because I got sick of putting rose colored glasses on anyone looking into my life. I’m sick of faking it. So there it is, bright and loud and painful. I’m admitting that I am angry at God. Because I’m hoping that this can be a first step in healing and coming back to Him.
Through all those years of struggle, He may not have magically fixed anything, but He was there. Yes, He still allowed all these things to happen in my life. But there’s a huge difference between a few years ago and now. Then, if I was suffering through something, I still felt like I had this supernatural safety net that would catch me if I ever fell too far. I still had this sense of peace, and when I smiled through trials, it was real.
Now I don’t feel that anymore. The difference is now I feel alone, even though I’m not. I’ve got a family who’s recently stood behind me even more than ever before. I’ve got a best friend who looks out for me and a group of ladies who check in on me when I’m MIA. Despite our struggles together, I’ve got a husband who’s response to hardship is to step up and figure out how to make it better. Anyone should be able to say things are good right now.
But it’s too hard for me to see past the bad to appreciate the good. I’m currently sitting at home, chugging water and feeling guilty for not doing my workout for the day. My whole body hurts and I feel anxious and I’m wondering when I’ll feel better. I’m having some withdrawal symptoms from coming off of antidepressants that weren’t right for me. I can’t help but be angry. But I know deep down I’ve still got hope. It’s a new year, and it’s time to make a change.
So this year, I’m adopting this as my theme song. From my favorite Christian artist, Lauren Daigle. Hope is something I always seem to have, so now, I will stand my ground where hope can be found!
O Lord by Lauren DaigleThough times it seems
Like I’m coming undone
This walk can often feel lonely
No matter what until this race is won
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be foundOh, O’Lord O’Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face, this I know in time
You’ll take all that is wrong and make it right
You’ll take all that is wrong and make it rightYour strength is found
At the end of my road
Your grace it reaches to the hurting
Still through the tears and the questioning why
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be foundOh, O’Lord O’Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face, this I know in time
You’ll take all that is wrong and make it right
You’ll take all that is wrong and make it right, so right(Right, so right)I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found(x2)Oh! O’Lord O’Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face this I know in time
You’ll take all that is wrong and make it right
You’ll take all that is wrong and make it right, so right
(Right, so right)
Love & Wildflowers 