My Turn

anxiety4Who am I?  I’m 27 years old, a wife, mother, blogging crazy person. My life is pretty easy to comprehend right now. Morning and evenings are mostly about my husband, and during the day I’m taking care of the kids and trying to keep them entertained while I do whatever household chores that need to be done. I love being a stay at home mom and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Maybe a few hours playing with some puppies, but other than that, I wouldn’t trade it! There’s just one big problem here.

There’s no room for me. It is not my husbands fault, and it is not my kids fault. It’s alllllll mine. And it’s time for that to change.

I have been complaining to my hubby for years now that I need time to myself. I probably got annoying about it, just ask him. But whenever my husband offered, I’d change my mind. I made excuses or pretended I wasn’t feeling well. I knew I needed the time to myself but I couldn’t bring myself to go for it. I’ve been struggling to understand why.

Today, I figured it out. I was scrolling Facebook, and I saw a post by a blogger that I follow, Single Dad Laughing. He was talking about starting a challenge called 365 days to live, where he has decided to change things in his life and start actually living. What got to me though, was his first day. He talks about the decision to start dating yourself. And I agree, it sounds kinda weird. But it got me thinking. Maybe this is why I don’t enjoy my alone time anymore. Because I’m spending it with a stranger.

I have spent too much of my life conforming. As a child, I conditioned myself to try to hide my mental illnesses. I learned to act like those around me in order to hide. It became so normal to just do what I was expected to do, that I didn’t even realize I was still doing it. I’m almost 30! And I have no idea who I am.

Now, it’s my turn. I’ve subconsciously been thinking about this for a while, because I’ve been exploring different ideas in my head. But I’ve been too afraid to do anything. I’ve been too afraid to be ME because nobody really knows who I am. How can they? It’s time to drop the charade and become someone new.

c-ethalion-emergingIt’s MY turn! Obviously I’ll still be here, taking care of my kids, lovin on my husband and blogging my heart out. God knows this blog has been the closest thing to being myself for a long time. But on the inside, I will be changing. I’m starting my cocoon right now and I’m gonna work on getting to know myself. I’m gonna work on dating myself, so that by the time that chrysalis is ready to open, I can emerge as something new and beautiful.

Stressed out mamas, busy daddies, if you’ve focused so much on your family, your job, of pleasing those around you that you’ve forgotten yourself, I encourage you to join me. And everyone else taking the #365daystolive challenge! All I can say is it’s about time, and things are gonna get interesting. See ya’ll on the other side!

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