I’m not real today

It’s one of those days. Nothing bad happened, but my mind is against me. It’s raining like mad so I decided to make the day all about movies and baking goodies. The kids were happy. I was, delirious, for a while. Like oddly upbeat. I was super active on social media, flirting with the husband and being super engaged with the kids. All the while feeling like it was a high that I had to hold on to. One that would inevitably come crashing down. And it did.

Now I feel… Unreal. I’m wandering my own home with this sense of fragility, feeling like Thanos just snapped his finger and I am one of the unlucky ones, about to crumble away into nothingness. I’m seeing my house, my dog, my kids, through a foggy lens I can’t remove. Now I’m having a big glass of wine, against my own drinking rules, in hopes of waking up and feeling things normally again. It’s not working.


I know what this means. This is the calm before the storm. I’ll feel this disconnect for hours, days, weeks, no telling how long until suddenly I snap. It will feel like all the emotions I haven’t felt during my unreal time will come flooding back and then my mind is spinning, I feel sick and I can’t breathe. A panic attack sets in. It is cruel and it is strange and it is beautiful too because believe me, feeling anything is better than being numb.

When that comes, I’ll have different problems. But for now, I am not real and I’m sorry.

I’m back baby!

It’s been a long time but I can finally say, I’m back baby! And with a baby. I survived labor and delivery for the third time and life has been a whirlwind of chaos and cuddles and cute. It’s also been a lot of stress, highs and lows, but we’ll get there.

While I was gone one more miracle happened and my daughter was accepted into school! THANK YOU GOD. So now I’ve got a bit over 2 hours of baby and me time while both kids are in school and I’m attempting to make that baby nap/ mama do whatever the hell she wants time. And in turn make that into writing time.

In the next few months I’ll be easing my way back in here and sharing about how little man has been, about breastfeeding and stopping too soon, about finding a therapist and going on meds again… So much more but babe is waking up already. I hope to become more connected in the blog community throughout the rest of this year and I hope I can help someone by sharing a bit of my crazy. I’ve missed you all and it’s good to be back!