So recently, I made some big decisions. Due to some issues that I’ll talk about another time, I had to stop breastfeeding. I could have kept pumping, but I made the choice to stop for good so I could take care of me. I saw my psychiatrist and was quickly given some meds. Antidepressants, the same ones I was on before getting pregnant, and klonopin, to help with my panic attacks and whenever I felt like I would need it.

It’s been rough. Starting off slow, I went through 4 days or so of nausea and bad headaches, but I wanted to stick with it. Sure enough, those things faded, and I increased the dose. Slighter headaches for a few days, but not bad, so I kept going. Increased again.

I started feeling okay once in a while. I still had bad days, and I wasn’t having good days yet, but I was having good hours. I was calmer, and I had more patience with the kids. But I started to notice I was having hours at a time where I kind of lost myself. I just felt nothing. I was on autopilot with the kids and the cleaning and the husband but I felt nothing.

It was time to increase the dose one more time. And then… I was still having good hours. I was laughing with my husband, playing with the baby, spending time with the kids. I was more patient and slower to speak and faster to love instead of get angry. But in between… I was nothing. All my energy was going into my family while I interacted with them, and it was making me a better mom and a better wife, but there was nothing left for me.

I was moving slower. My body felt heavy and my eyelids were permanently closing. My throat tried to close up and strangle me all the time. I wasn’t sleeping well. I got plenty of it, but so full of dreams of horror and anxiety that I woke up exhausted. I was tired. I felt like I have nothing to say, nothing to offer, nothing of value. The good started to wear off, and I knew it was time to call it. My fourth attempt at antidepressants was a failure.

I know that it’s unlikely that any prescription will feel perfect. There’s bound to be some side effects that stay in some way. But when it comes down to it, some of them are not worth the risk. And that numbness, that heavyness and feeling like I’m nothing? That’s not the kind of thing to mess around with. Because even though I looked like I was doing well from the outside, I had lost myself completely. And I deserve to feel better too. For me, not just for my family.

I’m not sure yet what I’m going to do from here. I’m getting tired of all the meds that don’t work. I’m tired of the side effects. I’m tired of losing myself, and sacrificing things to try and feel the way “normal” people feel without any effort. I’m just so tired.